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tyler and i had a huge argument today about valentine's day. he requested it off over two weeks ago and today, suddenly changes his mind and asks if he can work because he "could really use the money". he sent another text saying "if you don't want me to i'll make do", which really sent me over the edge. i don't like guilt trips. besides, he was going to go snowboarding last friday, which would have set him back at least 60 bucks. fdjkfhsjd. whatever, we talked about it and he apologized. damn straight. he wouldn't want to miss out on the strip tease/lap dance combo he's getting as his present :P.
man my back has hurt for what seems like forever. i need a good, legit massage. waaaah.
SO EXCITED FOR WALKABOUT YEAH.
- Mood:
thirsty
looks like i finally have a walkabout :D! it's extremely ironic, because just this morning jen was saying we'd probably have to be realistic and scrap the psych theme and try to find something else. well, god bless kyle maton for graduating early! i'm stealing his walkabout, haha. i'll be taking an advanced behavioral neuroscience course mondays and wednesdays, then working in a lab and doing research in a library. HOW EXCITING IS THAT SERIOUSLY. dfkfhjksddjkas. and riana's working at osu too, so we can meet up and have lunch and stuff :]. i am so exciteddd!
- Mood:
ecstatic
today around 9:30, my grandma called me bitching about how my mom didn't answer her phone when she called. i told her she was probably sleeping, but i figuerd she was just ignoring her phone call. well, i then proceeded to call my mom several times with no answer. after an hour of trying to get in touch with her, i started to worry. i called her, like, 50-75 times over three hours with no response. i threw up twice because i was so scared. finally at 12 i called tyler to come get me so i could come to the house. i get here and SHE FUCKING FORGET TO TURN THE VOLUME UP ON HER PHONE. i was so mad. i thought she was dead or kidnapped or in jail. ghdfjkfhsdu. i calmed down after a couple hours but she's still a dumb bitch.
riana's on again off again girlfriend amanda has stomach cancer.she's devestated.
i don't find out if i got into the scholars program until april. wah.
- Mood:
exhausted
i'm having hot flashes and like cold sweats, jesus. i want to go home and i most certainly do not want to go to work.
7 more days of school and i'm done.
i'm going on a sort of internet hiatus. i'll still check stuff, i guess, and maybe update...but i just don't FEEL like it. isn't that sad? i don't feel like basically doing nothing. it's not like getting on the computer is draining or takes any sort of energy. shrug. i can't explain it. i feel like things are going in this direction in a lot of aspects of my life. i'm just kind of floating around, not really caring about jack shit. except tyler, i guess, and i'll give a thought to school/finals/college occasionally.
i found a pair of peanut butter and jelly earrings on a website today. that was probably the most exciting part of my day.
whatever. i'll be okay, right?
- Mood:
apathetic
besides that, things have been pretty shitty. yesterday i worked five hours, and today i worked six and a half D: and i work 8-4 tomorrow, gross gross. nearly twenty hours in three days.
we'll find out whether or not dock has cancer tomorrow. it's so tense. i got him a subscription to "field and stream" for christmas, bahah. he's a very hard man to shop for, his only real interests are guns and knives.
i am so fucking tired it's ridiculous. and the cable's out? what the fuckkk i just want to lay on the couch and watch tv.
- Mood:
okay
things have been...fine. chris' party was fun, but i ended up having a sort of anxiety/panic attack afterwards. talking about all the great times we've had as a class reminded me that i will probably be losing all of these people very soon. while i'm not close to many of them and i am ready to go to college, the thought is still scary. i'm pretty weird. what if i don't make friends in college? as much as i love him, i'm not ready to place everything on tyler. i need friends, distractions if something were to happen to us. grumble. i realize i'm over-thinking this and most likely stressing out over nothing, but that's just the type of person i am. unfortunetly.
speaking of tyler, his step dad had surgery this afternoon. he's out now, but they don't know if the cancer spread. i'm scared shitless, because the tumor was on his neck RIGHT fucking by his lymph node, and i can't even imagine what will happen if he has lymphoma D:
i cry a lot now. birth control is still fucking with me mentally and phyisically. i had a ten day long period lat week/the week before, and am now not having my period when i should (because i'm taking the white "sugar" pills). it freaks me out.
oh, and two of the kittens are sick. i will probably have to pay to take them to the vet. joy.things have been going really well. saturday tyler and i had a big fight but worked everything out. sunday he managed to get someone to cover for him at work, so we went to go visit his mom and stepdad. we'll probably visit them in the hospital thursday, after his surgery. dock [stepdad] hugged me when we were getting ready to leave and it almost made me cry. he's such a nice man, i hope the surgery and radiation therapy clear out all of the cancer.
this week has been pretty alright. today all fo my friends exchanged gifts and i got some nice stuff :]. riana got me a neopets plushie and a kick-ass necklace. i'll get my present from kelsey after break, and allie is bringing hers tomorrow. and right now i'm finishing up the couple dozen cookies i baked for chris' college comp/xmas party tomorrow. kelsey'll probably come to my place beforehand and help me decorate them. hoorah, i have plans!
it might kind of suck after this weekend, though. allie kelsey and riana are all leaving for a week or so, and tyler's friends are all in town from college, so i might just be hanging around the house with my mom and the cats. meh, whatever.
i'm so sad and tired and fed up with everything. i'm sick of my life being like this. we pay our taxes, we do nice things for people. we don't deserve this.
coming home tomorowww :D. it's bittersweet, as always
my teeth sort of hurt and i'm still fucking cold but happy and content and blah blah blah.
- Mood:
cold
things haven't been too tense yet. no serious arguing or backhanded comments, thank god. i'm stressed enough this week [thanks to college comp, comics, world cinema AND osu's scholar program] that i don't need anything else making me uptight.
my lips are chapped, i'm cold and i miss tyler. the end.
- Mood:
stressed
tomorrow, we're having our mini thanksgiving and watching wall-e :3. i am going to miss him while i'm gone, ack! and everybody else :[. i'm anxious to see my family, but youknow. i get homesick.
school is kicking my ass. i'm super stressed, but at least i have all of my college apps in. no more getting behind in college comp! ugh.
- Mood:
anxious
last night, i hung out with my work friends tessa and isabell at tessa's apartment. being there, hanging out with tessa and her husband made me fucking yearn for the day that i can move in with tyler. their place is how i could see ours being - small, but cozy with a huge tv and tons of video games and books, ahaha. oh, and a puppy :3.
mostly, i'm just sick of living here and sick of my mom yelling at me and sick of tyler's dad being a nut job and treating tyler like shit.
parents are fucking ridiculous, honestly.
p.s. i have no idea what i'm going to define for college comp. grumble.
tyler's dad and step mom are getting a divorce, and his dad is probably going to lose their house. i feel completely worthless because there's nothing i can do to help.
bye.
we'd planned to hang out today, and i talked to riana around 3-but now she's mysteriously sick and can't hang out. but oh, she invited kelsey over to watch the election results. not to mention the fact that they talk all the time outside of school, and i'm only contacted if someone needs to know what the homework is. so, yet again, i'm left alone and bored. i know it shouldn't upset me much, but i feel this way at least once a month and it's really unpleasant.
it's like, jesus christ. kelsey has a fucking creepy-ass crush on you, and you'd rather hang out with her than me? i don't get it. people say i'm funny. and i do a LOT of nice things for the both of them.
mom tried to turn it around and blame it on tyler. my friends don't want to hang out because i spend too much free time with tyler? man, i see tyler three times a week and only for a few hours at a time, it's not like i spend every free second with him. besides, kelsey spends plenty of time with seth and that doesn't stop me from inviting her to do things.
all in all, i feel alone and pretty unloved. i cried. i'm so insecure, and this is obviously not helping.
oh, and great. mom got her schedule messed up and works tonight. so, now i'm home all alone. fantastic.
- Mood:
pissed off
i'm probably going to quit my job. they're just not good to me. i mean, i realize i don't work much during the week, but that is nto a erason to make me work 9-5 every single saturday. plus, since they make me close by myself, i'm often there until 6 or later. closing on saturdays is not fun-not only do i have to sweep and mop like normal, i have to take everything out of all the refridgerators and cases and clean them out. it's an hour to and hour and a half of work for one person, and i don't think it's fair to make me do that every weekend.
also, my boss was going to schedule me MOTHERFUCKING 8 AM UNTIL 5 PM NEXT SATURDAY. the day of hagpie and the day after my anniversary. i just said no, point blank. no fucking way am i going to work ten hours.
so, anyways, once i save up 1000 to 1500 bucks, i am out of thereeee.
and tyler felt bad for me, so when he got out of work early he came and got me and we smoked some. it was alright, whatever. i'd prefer to not using getting high as a way to deal with my problems, but it helped.
we're going to a pumpkin patch today and i think it's fucking adorable and i am siked.
also, did i mention that boris asked me to hagpie? lawlz.
- Mood: jubilant
you're only interested in being my friend when you're unhappy.
on a completely unrelated note, sleeping with tyler last night but knowing he won't be there tonight makes me feel cold and sad.
camp was great, as expected. i wish riana would have come but i really don't think i could have conviced her to.
work today was absolute shit and i want to quit so badly but i need money for walkabout.
i didn't get my halloween costume in the mail like i was expecting. the damn thing shipped on tuesday, i want it nowww >:[.
mom went to the ER again today, christ. we need to get rid off the kittens asap. want one? they are very cute and annoying! :D.
tyler's birthday celebration tomorrow. i'm getting all the food and setting up a little picnic thing in my living room, haha. then i might treat us to a movie, but that'd be a lottt of money along with everything else and i dunno. he got spore, so we might just play that for a bit o_o.
his car sort of broke and it cost $360 to fix it, but his mom paid and said it was his birthday present. damnnnn. so i said we should go see her monday, to say thanks and whatever. luckily i don't work. then around 7 we get to go to bonefish for his half-off birthday dinner.
i'm tired.
